Names you should never pick for your children.

I’m doing this as a service to all the young couples out there that are going to be starting families soon.  I’m sure you have thought of a bunch of really great names for your child.  On the flip side, I am sure that you have thought of some names that you will never use, for a variety of reasons.  I am here to give you a few names that you might have considered as possibilities in hopes that you will reconsider.  Let’s do this thing!

Names you should never use for your children:

 Boys:

 Adolf.  Seriously.  Don’t do it.  You might as well tattoo a swastika on his forehead.

 Jesus.  Too much to live up to.  He is never going to be as good, as important, as perfect, as Godly, as miraculous, as…you get the point.  (There is one specific situation that this name can somehow sound ok and that is in Spanish…even though it sounds very similar to English.)

 Judas.  He will grow up to be a backstabbing, low down, dirty, deceiver. 

 Anakin.  And not for the reason you think.  Yes, if you name your son Anakin he will grow up to become one of the most powerful and dangerous Sith Lords ever, but it’s much worse than you realize.  While your son is still a boy, his friends will call him Ani.  What can be worse than that?

Justin.  See the comments about Jesus…except the God part and the Spanish part.  Those two only partially apply.

 Shirley, Marion, Avery, etc… Congratulations!  It’s a girl!!!

Girls:

 Jezebel.  Even if there were no connection to the Biblical character found in Kings, it is still an awful sounding name for a girl.  Unless you want your daughter to be pretty much the most evil woman ever.  If that is your goal, then Jezebel is the name to choose.  Just don’t blame me when she kills you in your sleep.

 Britney.  Stripper/Debauched pop star

 Olga.  It is scientifically impossible for someone named Olga to be less than 75 years old.  Look it up.  It is in dictionaries and stuff.

Lindsay.  She will either grow up to be a professional tennis player – Lindsay Davenport, an actress  – Lindsay Price, or she will be the human equivalent of a train wreck – no name is needed here.  There is a 1 in 3 chance that your daughter will be an awful grown-up.  Do you want to take that chance?   

Chastity.  If by Chastity you mean Sex-crazed whore.  That’s what you mean, right?

Fatima.  Come on!  Are you that cruel?

 Desire. Stripper/Porn Star/High School Drop Out

This is just a drop in the bucket of names you should never use.  In my ongoing crusade to help the children, this will be a reoccurring feature on this blog.

Kids are funny and sometimes not funny at all.

I have three kids. All boys. The oldest is 7 years old and he just started 2nd grade. He is a great kid: Loving, intelligent, thoughtful, obedient (most of the time), and full of energy. My kids are three of the most important things in my life. I love them completely and they have helped me become a better man. I need to say those things on the outset because what I am about to write might come across as a bit negative and I don’t want it to be taken in the wrong way.

2nd grade humor is awful. Truly awful. When a second grade boy tries to make you laugh, it usually fails. Miserably. When they are just being themselves, though, they can be the funniest people in the world. I know that I don’t have to laugh at everything my son says and does when he is trying to be funny, but it would be great if I didn’t have to force myself to smile when he is telling me about the joke he cracked in the middle of the school day for his friends. By the way, the joke totally killed at school. His classmates ate it up like it was classic Bill Cosby. Which I guess proves my point that 2nd graders are rarely intentionally funny. I’m glad his friends laughed but when he repeated the joke to me I was like……I had one of those really painful, awkward smiles plastered on my face. I tried so hard to say something congratulatory but all I could come up with was, “That’s…great…” (There is an implied question mark at the end of that sentence.)

I know I don’t have to laugh at all his jokes, but I am eagerly awaiting the day where I can honestly laugh at some of them. That day will come, right? RIGHT?