I’m doing this as a service to all the young couples out there that are going to be starting families soon. I’m sure you have thought of a bunch of really great names for your child. On the flip side, I am sure that you have thought of some names that you will never use, for a variety of reasons. I am here to give you a few names that you might have considered as possibilities in hopes that you will reconsider. Let’s do this thing!
Names you should never use for your children:
Adolf. Seriously. Don’t do it. You might as well tattoo a swastika on his forehead.
Jesus. Too much to live up to. He is never going to be as good, as important, as perfect, as Godly, as miraculous, as…you get the point. (There is one specific situation that this name can somehow sound ok and that is in Spanish…even though it sounds very similar to English.)
Judas. He will grow up to be a backstabbing, low down, dirty, deceiver.
Anakin. And not for the reason you think. Yes, if you name your son Anakin he will grow up to become one of the most powerful and dangerous Sith Lords ever, but it’s much worse than you realize. While your son is still a boy, his friends will call him Ani. What can be worse than that?
Justin. See the comments about Jesus…except the God part and the Spanish part. Those two only partially apply.
Shirley, Marion, Avery, etc… Congratulations! It’s a girl!!!
Jezebel. Even if there were no connection to the Biblical character found in Kings, it is still an awful sounding name for a girl. Unless you want your daughter to be pretty much the most evil woman ever. If that is your goal, then Jezebel is the name to choose. Just don’t blame me when she kills you in your sleep.
Britney. Stripper/Debauched pop star
Olga. It is scientifically impossible for someone named Olga to be less than 75 years old. Look it up. It is in dictionaries and stuff.
Lindsay. She will either grow up to be a professional tennis player – Lindsay Davenport, an actress – Lindsay Price, or she will be the human equivalent of a train wreck – no name is needed here. There is a 1 in 3 chance that your daughter will be an awful grown-up. Do you want to take that chance?
Chastity. If by Chastity you mean Sex-crazed whore. That’s what you mean, right?
Fatima. Come on! Are you that cruel?
Desire. Stripper/Porn Star/High School Drop Out
This is just a drop in the bucket of names you should never use. In my ongoing crusade to help the children, this will be a reoccurring feature on this blog.