Names you should never pick for your children – Part 2

You can read Part 1 right here.  If you are new to this concept, it’s pretty simple:  These are names you should never name your children.  I thought that part was obvious by the title of this post…


Gaylord.  If you are seriously contemplating naming your son Gaylord, you need to seriously contemplate whether you are related to Satan. 

Edward.  By itself, it’s not a bad name.  In fact, it’s a fine name.  There have been many great Edwards in history.  But there is one Edward that has utterly destroyed the worthiness of this name for future generations.  But it is all dependent on the motivation behind the name.  Here is a simple test to see if you should name your child Edward:
1.  Are you a fan of the Twilight series – either books or films or (shudder) both?
If you answered no, then you are in the clear. If you answered yes, then you have failed the test and you should leave the naming of your child to someone else. (Addendum to the above test: If you are the mother and you love Twilight and you want to name your son Edward, you are forbidden. If you are the father and you love Twilight and you want to name your son Edward, does your name happen to be Gaylord?)

Richard yet you use the playful and affectionate diminutive, Dick. If I have to explain why you shouldn’t use this name then the battle is already lost. I hope you can live with yourself as our society and culture crumble all around us.


Pansy. This might have worked 50 years ago, but its time has come and gone. Goodbye Pansy. It was nice knowing you.

Fanny. I have some questions for those people who have actually named their daughter Fanny:  Did you have some sort of wager with your friends that you required the loser to name one of their daughters Fanny? Were you a big fan of the fanny pack and you hope that by naming your daughter Fanny you will somehow inspire people to bring the pack back into prominence? The pack is dead – move on with your life.  Are you scratching your head trying to figure out what is wrong with the name Fanny? If so, don’t worry about it. Just go back to watching The Price is Right.

Amy. There is an Amy that was born a little over 33 years ago. Since that time, all other Amy’s in the world are rendered invalid. The name achieved maximum coolness on that hot Missouri day. There is now no reason to ever use the name Amy again because no Amy can live up to the standard that has been set. If you are unfortunate enough to have been named Amy since that time, do yourself a favor and have your name legally changed…or go by your middle name. Those are better options for you. If you continue using the name Amy you will be held accountable for your shortcomings – and believe me, they are many.


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