Little known fact: Every public restroom in the country has a fairy that likes to get water all over the sink, the mirror, and the floor. Evidently, this fairy is unable to wash his hands without getting water everywhere. I know this has to be a fairy, or some other fantastical creature – something magical for sure – because there is no way that a human being could get so much water in so many places by simply washing their hands. It would take a strong, physically fit, man, with 4 large buckets and perhaps a garden hose, an entire afternoon to create the kind of watery mess that is found in every single public bathroom I have ever visited. It would have to be intentional…deliberate…and I know there is no man out there that is just so slovenly, so uncouth, so careless, that they would create the second Great Flood by accident.
(Another little known fact: This fairy is unlike other fairies. It is not small and sparkly. It does not fly. This fairy takes the shape of an adult male. It is usually rotund, or perhaps doughy would be the better descriptor. It has the mental faculties of a dazed and confused water buffalo, with none of the charm. It is an odious creature, full of mean-spirited trickery. If you see it in the bathroom, which is extremely rare, do not make eye contact with it or speak to it. If you have something you can throw at it, do so. That will distract it long enough for you to run away.)
So, here is my question: Is there a ritual, or some magical incantation we can utter that will appease the angry, or perhaps mischievous, bathroom fairy? Does it want a gift of some sort? A sacrifice? Regardless how we put a stop to this, the important thing is that we put a stop to it. I am tired of standing at the sink and getting water all over the front of my pants and shirt and looking like I just urinated all over myself. That’s not cool fairy. Not cool at all.