New posts coming soon!

Seriously.

This is for real.

I’m working on a couple of things and should have something new posted in the next couple of days.  One of the items I am working on is a review of M. Night Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender.  If you have paid any attention to this blog you know that I am a huge fan of the television series, Avatar: The Last Airbender.  Needless to say, based on the negative reviews and the general dislike of the film adaptation, I just had not gotten around to watching it.  I remedied that recently and will be posting a review. 

Also, I’ve got another Four that got away installment – this is where I highlight one movie, one book, one TV show, and one CD that have been overlooked by the general public.  I will probably have that one ready early next week.

Finally, I am working on a couple of other things – one serious and one not so serious.  I don’t know which one will be ready first, but I hope to have them both posted this month. 

So, stick around.  New material coming soon!

A new blog post.

Apparently I have let many people down.  I have done something unthinkable.  Something horrible even.  What is this horribly unthinkable thing that I have done?  I have not posted a new blog entry in a long time.  Technically, that would be something I haven’t done…but let’s not get caught up in the particulars.  The point is:  I am a huge disappointment.  Do I have an excuse for my lack of posting?  Not really.  I just haven’t been inspired to write anything.  I have tossed a few ideas around in my head, but nothing has made it past that early, infant stage.  If those ideas ever become fully formed, you will be the first to know. 

So, what is this specific blog entry about?  Nothing really.  I have no reason to be writing these words other than there are certain people who I know (think: wife and brother) who have asked me why I haven’t posted in a long time.  It really is as simple as that.  If you are still reading hoping that I will write something witty or funny or inspiring, you might as well leave now because I have nothing of the sort in mind.  I fully intend this entry to the be the most boring, uninspiring, and humorless thing I have ever written.  It will be worse than that actually.  It will be pointless.  I could forgive a boring, uninspiring, and humorless blog post if it were just poorly written, or a topic that did not interest me.  But to write something, regardless the length, that serves no purpose at all is just the definition of emptiness.  (At this point, I could try to tie in a quote from Ecclesiastes and make this whole entry sound important and very spiritual.  But I won’t because that would be a cheap, thinly veiled attempt at purposefulness, and the very idea disgusts me.  I will not try to overspiritualize this because I feel that trite spiritualization does more damage than good.  No, this entry shall remain entirely pointless.)

  Why are you still reading this?  That is a very important question, and I am glad I asked.  I have no answer for that.  I am not you and cannot begin to imagine why you would subject yourself to this.  You need to find more productive things to do with your time.  Perhaps, the more important question would be; why am I still writing?  I am me and I still cannot completely answer that question, but here are my reasons for writing:

1. I feel guilty for not blogging more often.  I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I do.
2. I want people to like me.  I enjoy getting complements about my blog.
3. My wife told me I needed to post more often.  She is the boss of me.
4. I want people to think I am funny.  Granted, this entry is not the best evidence of my humor, but you have to admit that part about the….stuff….or the thing about being pointless….and that inspiring bit was pretty…ummm….yeah….  I’m sure there is something funny up there.
5. I’m on my lunch break.

 In closing, I will try to do better in the future.  I’ve said that before but I really mean it this time.  I didn’t really mean it the previous times.  I just said that so people would leave me alone.  Maybe that is what I am doing right now…no one can no for sure.  Only God knows because He knows everything.  Much like the deer that is panting at the edge of the rippling brook, so my soul longs for the tender mercies afforded me by the……. Sorry!  Wrong Scripture reference.  MUST NOT MAKE IMPORTANT-SOUNDING-SPIRITUAL-LESSON THAT DOES NOT BELONG! ——–I passed the test.  I will diminish and go into the Western part of my office building and eat my rice and remain Phillip. 

You have now successfully wasted at least a few minutes of your day.  Congratulations!  Go back to work.

Rant of the Day

Little known fact:  Every public restroom in the country has a fairy that likes to get water all over the sink, the mirror, and the floor.  Evidently, this fairy is unable to wash his hands without getting water everywhere.  I know this has to be a fairy, or some other fantastical creature – something magical for sure – because there is no way that a human being could get so much water in so many places by simply washing their hands.  It would take a strong, physically fit, man, with 4 large buckets and perhaps a garden hose, an entire afternoon to create the kind of watery mess that is found in every single public bathroom I have ever visited.  It would have to be intentional…deliberate…and I know there is no man out there that is just so slovenly, so uncouth, so careless, that they would create the second Great Flood by accident. 

(Another little known fact:   This fairy is unlike other fairies.  It is not small and sparkly.  It does not fly.  This fairy takes the shape of an adult male.  It is usually rotund, or perhaps doughy would be the better descriptor.  It has the mental faculties of a dazed and confused water buffalo, with none of the charm.  It is an odious creature, full of mean-spirited trickery.  If you see it in the bathroom, which is extremely rare, do not make eye contact with it or speak to it.  If you have something you can throw at it, do so.  That will distract it long enough for you to run away.)

So, here is my question:  Is there a ritual, or some magical incantation we can utter that will appease the angry, or perhaps mischievous, bathroom fairy?  Does it want a gift of some sort?  A sacrifice?  Regardless how we put a stop to this, the important thing is that we put a stop to it.  I am tired of standing at the sink and getting water all over the front of my pants and shirt and looking like I just urinated all over myself.  That’s not cool fairy.  Not cool at all.

Missing in action

I would like to apologize to all 3 of my regular readers for the lack of new posts.  I have been creatively uninspired as of late.  I have had little to no desire to write anything new in some time.  I am going to start working on a few things and hope that the bug bites afresh and anew! 

Be patient with me friends.  I am young and prone to error and fits of lethargy.  Nevertheless, I will press on and demonstrate my true character by writing new and important blog posts.

Words and phrases that need to go away.

Literally. Here is an example: “I was so mad my head literally exploded!” No. Your head did not literally explode. If it had literally exploded, we would not have to listen to you abuse and destroy the English language. Do us all a favor and literally stop talking. Forever.

 

 

I could care less. If you can care less, then that means you actually care for, at least a little, whatever it is that you are talking about. Let me provide you with a very simple visual representation of what you are saying and what you should be saying. We will look at “I could care less” first:

 

What you should say in this situation is “I could not care less” about soccer. Let’s go to the chart!

 

Just Kidding. Example: You unknowingly say something incorrect and someone corrects you. You respond by saying “Just kidding!” Demonstration:

 

You are not kidding. You are wrong. Don’t try to cute your way out of it. Girls/women can get away with this at times, but if a man ever uses this phrase they need to be mocked…mercilessly…often.

 

Hump Day. Wednesday is also known as Hump Day. Stop and think about that for just a second. Hump Day. Hump Day? And people say that like it’s a good thing! How is it possible for a day that is called Hump to be good? It’s not. The word hump brings all sorts of unpleasant and unsavory images to mind. Why would we intentionally equate the middle day of the work-week with anything unpleasant?

Weight Loss Updates

As you might have noticed, I’ve added a weight loss tracker on the sidebar.  I’ve joined the website – My Fitness Pal in hopes that it will help me lose some weight.  I’ve liked the site so far and I think it will be a good tool for me to use.  I won’t be posting much about my weight loss journey here – I have a different blog for that – but I did want to put the tracker on this site to help keep me accountable.  Anyway, that’s that.

Rant of the Day

I tend to be an angry driver.  It’s not that I am an angry person.  I’m not even that impatient.  It’s just that I get annoyed with what passes for driving these days.  Plainly put, most people have no business driving a vehicle.  They don’t know what they are doing.  They have no idea how to control their own vehicle, let alone be aware that there are other vehicles on the road around them.  It can be very annoying and very dangerous.  I could live with the annoying part, but when you factor in the dangerous aspect, that sort of sets me off.  I never took Driver’s Education in school.  My small school didn’t offer it.  I learned from my parents when I was 17 and it made a world of difference.  They taught me to pay just as much attention to those around me as to my own driving.  They taught me to follow the laws of the road – don’t get me started on speeding!  They taught me to be a “defensive” driver.  I took their lessons to heart and have never looked back.  I have a near spotless driving record – one ticket when I was 18 – and one ticket for expired tags – not driving related.  I don’t speed.  I use my signal lights.  I do all the little things we are supposed to do when we are driving our vehicles.  However, this is not my rant.

My rant is directly related to driving but belongs more in the category of driving conscientiously.  Little things like letting cars merge, not following too closely, slowing down when there is a stalled car on the side of the road, acknowledging when another driver lets you merge.  Comedian Brian Regan has a really good bit about the final point that is not only funny, but it makes many valid and important points.  I had a similar experience this morning on my way to work.  I was in the right turn lane and I could tell that the car next to me on the left was going to need to get over.  They did not have their signal light on, but I could tell.  How?  It’s just one of those things you learn to recognize when you pay attention when you are driving.  Of course, I slowed down and gave the driver a chance to switch lanes.  She didn’t.  I thought for a brief moment that perhaps I was mistaken in my belief that this driver needed to change lanes.  My faith wavered.  I doubted my skills.  Not for long though, because finally, at the last possible moment, the driver flashed their turn signal and then quickly merged in front of me.  The signal light was entirely unnecessary.  It was pointless but I’m sure the driver feels like they had done everything correctly.  As long as they are happy…right?  Now that I have allowed this driver to merge – and believe me, it was not easy.  The person behind me was not at all happy that I slowed down.  They showed their anger by honking at me and then giving me a friendly hand gesture.  After all was said and done, I had a faint hope that the driver I allowed to merge would acknowledge my help and perhaps wave to show her (it was a woman – not relevant) appreciation.  No.  A thousand times no!  She did not wave.  She didn’t even look in her rearview mirror to see the person who allowed her to make her turn.  She continued to do the thing that had put her in the precarious position from the very beginning: She talked on her cell phone.  How did I respond to this ugly and distasteful display of incivility?   I waved at her like an idiot and continue to wave for the next 3 or 4 minutes.  I don’t know if she saw me.  I don’t really care.  Actually, I do care.  I hope she saw me and realized what she had done and when she got to work she felt so bad about how she treated another human being that she curled up in the corner of her cubicle and cried herself to sleep.  Just something simple like that.

Moral of this story:  Be nice to other people.  Or, in the words of the famous fictional rock band, Wyld Stallyns, “Be excellent to each other.”  Bill and Ted believed it.  Jesus did too.  Who are we to argue with Bill, Ted, and Jesus?